I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I will pee on everything he values.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
