I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
