i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
