either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
