i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
