We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
