I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
