Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
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And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
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Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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