Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
