i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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