Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Pants are for mortals
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
