Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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