the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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