i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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