im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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