a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
