If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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