I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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