what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
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Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
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Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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