New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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