i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
