I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
