So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
