My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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