My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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