I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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