Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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