Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize