Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You can't just leave with hair like that
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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