remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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