When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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