I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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