I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
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