You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with youâ€
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