Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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