i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
