i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
