my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
