Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
