I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Randomize
