My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
