is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
