Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
