but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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