stop calling my apartment porn island.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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