I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
