My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
