sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
