Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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