Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
he was CRYING into my vagina
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
this will be a night to untag.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
