You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
