its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
