My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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