I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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