nut hugger
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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