I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
